Sexism in the Order! El gaspo!
by nsisdazl
Summary: It's 1979 and sexism is thriving in the Order. It's up to Lily to knock some sense into some sexist boys, find an important secret out of a boring ordinary book, and change the Order, for the better, of course.
1. Sexism in the Order

It was January 20, 1979 in the days before The Boy Who Lived, the days where Voldemort reigned with his faithful cohorts, Bellatrix, Lucius, Narcissa, Severus, Alecto, and Dumbledore fought back with James, Lily, Caradoc, Emmeline, Gideon, and the war was intense.

People died in larger amounts everyday, and little was being done to stop it. Giants, dementors, and other Dark creatures dominated the outdoors. Foreign allies huddled into their safeholds, terrified that any motion to help besieged England would draw Voldemort's wrathful eyes overseas and bring vengeance on their heads.

The Order of the Phoenix was overworked, trying to do everything at once, support the staggering ministry, protect muggles and wizards alike, fight against the Death Eaters, and establish diplomatic relations with at least one country.

Through all this, something thrived that made Lily Evans absolutely enraged. It made her more furious than the despair, hatred, and horror that was accompanying Lord Voldemort faithfully. It's name? _Sexism._

* * *

"Is there anything else to discuss?" Dumbledore asked.

There were heavy rings under his eyes, matching ones to the ones gracing the faces around him.

"Oh, yeah." Sirius Black flashed a charming grin.

The rings were mysteriously shallower under his eyes. Lily Evans was surprised that anything less than perfect had the nerve to appear on Black's face.

"Found this in my dear mum's workshop before I ...erm...how to put this..."

"Ran away?" James Potter suggested. "Ditched? Left hell to come to heaven?"

"Yeah. Anyways, I managed to grab this without killing myself on the numerous protections while my mum was gleefully blasting my name off that damn tapestry." Sirius held up one long finger, elegant and smooth, to stop anyone from speaking. "Now, now, I know it looks completely ordinary..."

"But when it's in _his_ mum's workshop," James interjected.

"Surrounded by hundreds of protection spells," Remus Lupin added.

"It's something definitely worth looking into." Peter Pettigrew finished.

Lily gazed at the plain looking object under discussion. It was a thin book, maybe a diary, with smooth creamy pages, and a pale green cover. All in all, totally extraordinary. Not.

Flitwick raised his wand. A golden flame danced around the edges of the book, but after it vanished the book was left looking exactly as it had been.

"There's nothing Dark about it."

"No matter." McGonagall cut across, impatient. "The book isn't healing injured victims, or defending innocents, or handling supplies. We might use it to take notes, but a single empty book has no importance in the middle of war."

"Hmph." Sirius crossed his arms. The movement knocked a bottle of ink over spilling black ink across the desk.

"Watch it!" Lily quickly saved the book from harm.

"Shit!" Sirius swore as he siphoned off the ink.

"Mr. Black, watch your language!" McGonagall admonished.

"Lily, you can take care of the book." Flitwick absently commanded.

Lily sat back as the plans for the next effort of staving off Voldemort flew around the table. She had been carefully observing the Order for months now, and she had evidence to support her hypothesis of sexism in the Order. For example, right now. The men were near the head of the table, absorbed by the planning. Even McGonagall, Dumbledore's faithful second-in-command was delegated a position after all the men were seated.

Another thing, all the girls were given busy work, useless assignments. The boys got the diplomatic relations, the defending positions, the battles, the rescues, in short everything interesting and worth joining the Order for.

Guess what else? When Lily had tentatively asked for a place in a defending position, her request was briskly and immediately shot down with "You're too young", "It's dangerous out there", and "That's not a very good idea". What the hell? Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew were just as young as she was, no one objected to their presence in the field. Danger was everywhere, there was no escaping it. And what did they mean, "not a good idea?" Black had come up with stupider plans but those were carefully considered.

Lily's hope for the Order had just about dried up. She hadn't done anything useful since 1977. The men in the Order were scrupulous about "protecting" the women, and anyone who did anything without the full and express permission of the entire Order(just the men) was firmly put into their place. No one bothered to try and even hide anything! Like now, McGonagall saying the book was unimportant, then Flitwick delegating the responsibility of it(oh yes, definitely time-consuming and difficult) to her. Did they think girls were stupid? Or maybe they believed women were doves, sheep, and cows, willing to be led here and there tamely and without objections.

"We need recruits." Caradoc Dearborn said wearily. "There's not enough of us."

Lily rolled her eyes. Everyone's load would be easier if the girls got to participate.

"How about Alice Longbottom?" She suggested.

People started in surprise that Lily had voiced an opinion. Heads turned, eyebrows rose.

"A _girl_?" Sturgis Podmore said in disgust.

Lily crossed her arms and gave him stare for stare.

"Alice Longbottom's been an Auror for seven years and has been the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement for two. And those have been two very successful years, and _very _helpful to the Order. It'd be even better if she was one of us. And her husband is the head of the Aurors."

"Longbottom's a wonderful leader." Moody growled.

Lily's mood rose, and she felt very happy toward the world in general. Especially Moody. He could recognize a good idea when he saw it! There _was_ hope.

"He's a fair and meticulous man."

Lily's hopes came crashing down.

"All in favor of inducting Frank Longbottom?" Dumbledore asked serenely.

"Hold it, what about Alice?"

Lily liked and respected Dumbledore, but he seemed to be stuck in the past, where women had no rights.

"Ah," Dumbledore was brought up short.

All the women in the Order stared at Lily like she was committing some sort of faux pas.

"You can induct her." Dumbledore flapped a hand dismissively. "Now, about Frank..."

_Don't blow up, don't blow up, _Lily chanted to herself.

"Lily?"

"_WHAT?!"_

Oops.

"Erm..." Emmeline Vance took a cautious step back. "It's time to go."

* * *

Everyone in the Department of Magical Artifacts could tell what mood Lily was in by the way she walked. She bounced when she was happy, her feet dragged when she was sad, she went willy-nilly in directions when she was thoughtful, and on the rare occasions Lily was angry, marched, stomped, and thundered. Ellie Mason had befriended Lily when she had first come to the Ministry. Thus, Ellie was privy to the privilege of seeing Lily in various moods in moderations of hilarity. Ellie could count on one hand the number of times she had seen Lily angry, she could count on no hands the number of times she had seen Lily in the mood she was in now.

All the workers' heads shot up when the door crashed open. They quickly put their heads down as the door slammed shut and a howling hurricane approached the information desk. The workers watched from the corners of their eyes, feeling much pity for the bewildered occupant of the desk.

Lily slammed a thin green book onto the desk, eyes blazing, daring the boy to object.

"Analyze this book!" She barked. "And if there is nothing bloody rotten out of the ordinary with the damn Godforsaken thing, burn it!"

And with that lovely greeting, Lily Evans swept out in a maelstrom of swirling papers. And no one dared to object.

Heads popped back up cautiously.

"D'you think Lily's been kidnapped and Polyjuiced?"

* * *

"Evans, you're in a mood."

Lily turned to see one of the last people she wanted to see at the time. She kept on turning and continued on her way. Lily heard a deep sigh, and a large, warm hand shot out and clamped down on her arm.

"If you slam those bloody heels of yours any harder into the ground, there'll be chips in the floor. And if you seethe any louder, the Minister himself will know and he won't be happy. He's in a rather tense meeting right now."

"_Black,_ I suggest you release my arm immediately, if you wish to have your hand still attached to your arm."

Sirius Black raked a hand through his thick, shiny, neat hair. He flashed a smile that made normal girls swoon right into his arms, and the light glimmered off of the perfect teeth. Lily was _this close_ to vomiting at his "perfection". Odd, most girls seemed to like it.

"Well, I can see why James likes you. You're different. Not like most women."

They were in a ministry hall, and plenty of women were hanging out of doorways watching Black. Lily supposed it was this sort of behaviour that led to sexism. Airbrained idiots that had nothing better to do than to gossip about what their peers were doing, check and reapply makeup, redo hairstyles that were exactly the same as their friends, make sure their clothes looked "fashionable"(another word for looking stupid, but thinking you look good), and drool over boys. Ick.

"Feeling analytical today, Black? Why don't you do some introspection instead?"

Black ignored her.

"I don't see why you had to break up with James." He whined.

Ugh. Childish behaviour from a grown man. What was the world coming to?

"You two were perfect." He continued.

Lily felt the beginnings of a headache start to build in her temples. If she had to listen to Black prattle on any longer...well, she wouldn't be responsible for her actions.

"You are mistaken. Potter broke up with me, under some stupid noble pretext that he was 'doing it for my own good'. I can decide that for myself, thank you very much."

"That was when he joined the Order, wasn't it?" Black said thoughtfully. "I can explain the noble complex; Diggle pumped him full of stories of heroism, sacrifice, glory, and the whole she-bang."

Black's words made hope rise up in Lily's heart. She ruthlessly crushed it down.

"Is there a reason why you sought me out? Because I'm getting tired of hearing you talk." Lily snapped.

"Ah, nevermind." Black flashed another 1,000,000,000,000 Watt smile. The ministry girls sighed. Lily felt her eye twitch.

"Trying to catch the stray thought in your dense little skull?" Lily asked acidicly.

"Bye, Lily Bear. I've gotten my quota of insults for today. If you ever want to talk to me about James, you know where to find me." He wiggled his fingers in a mockery of farewell.

"In the pits of hell." Lily muttered once she thought Black was out of earshot.

"You're not the one who decides that, Lily Billy." He called back, startling her.

"Would you stop with those ridiculous pet names?" Lily shouted. "You don't have the right to call me any of those!"

"Sorry, I forgot. Only '_Jamesie-kinns_' has permission to address you with stupid endearments."

Mouth working soundlessly, Lily watched the impudent rascal blow her a kiss and saunter off like the world was at his feet. The eyes of many females followed him hungrily.

"You know him?" Patricia Nelson said enviously.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"How could knowing anyone so," she swooned. "_Dreamy_, be unfortunate?"

"Hah!" Lily snorted. "You'd be surprised."

She continued down the hall. She had better things to do than to converse with a new addition to the Sirius Black fanclub.

A thought made her pause. It was deliciously evil and every centimeter of it was a way to put a thorn into Sirius Black's side.

* * *

The doorbell rang, forcing the three men in the shared flat awake.

"Whaaa?" James Potter complained.

"Argh!" Sirius Black replied.

Remus Lupin's only response was to shove a pillow over his head.

Peter Pettigrew had wanted to get his own flat, which confused the other three completely, but they let it pass as one of Peter's oddities. Speaking of, Peter had quite a many oddities these days...

The doorbell rang again, insistently.

All three men decided to ignore it.

It rang again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

"God!" Sirius Black roared furiously. "Can't a man have some _sleep?!_"

He stormed out of his room and into the living room. He nearly tripped over some dirty laundry, filthy stacked plates, and Unidentifiable Furry Objects. He managed the rest of the way unharmed, and pulled open the door. Bright sunlight flooded his eyes, temporarily blinding him. He could hear reverent whispers. His instincts told him to run. Run away. Far away. Far _far_ away.

"Get him!" A girl shrieked.

Sirius had spots dancing around his vision, but it had cleared enough for him to see the huge mob of girls rushing at him.

Poor thing. It just wasn't his day.

* * *

Ellie Mason looked up to see Lily grinning like a cat who had made off with a bowl of cream and a whole brace of fat, juicy fish.

"And where were you yesterday, miss?" Ellie planted herself firmly in front of Lily.

"You were looking for me?" Lily looked surprised.

Ellie crossed her arms.

"You come storming into my department, frighten one of my rookies until he near wets himself, cause disaster in the form of paperwork chaos, and go crashing back out, pissed to hell, and you expect me not to look for you?"

Lily blushed.

Ellie pulled a familiar green book out of her robe and slapped it against her arm.

"And for your information, this book has high magical LPQ, levels of potential and-"

"Quality, I know."

Ellie glared at her.

"You have a smart mouth, girl. _Anyway_, it also has NHI. It's not giving up any more secrets, but maybe if I work on it for a month..."

"NHI?" Lily murmured. "That's 'near human intelligence' right?"

"If you're so smart, you tell me."

"Oh, well, I see there's no talking to you when you're in a pet." Lily said wisely.

Ellie sputtered indignantly.

"When _I'm_ in a pet? Who was the one screaming profanities here and there? Who is the one with the firecracker temper? Who-"

"Definitely not fit for conversation." Lily said cheerfully.

She left Ellie scowling.

"I swear, these Order folk..." Ellie muttered to herself as she viciously slashed at some paperwork.

"_She's_ in the Order?" A surprised voice asked. "The Order of the Phoenix?" Alice Walker peered over the edge of the cubicle.

Ellie looked guilty.

"Don't repeat that." She ordered.

Alice saluted.

"Wouldn't think of it."

* * *

Sirius Black, bedraggled, exhausted, and traumatized, limped back to his flat.

"What happened to _you_, mate?" James Potter asked concernedly.

Sirius envied James for a second. There James was, lounging carefree on their filthy couch, munching on a snack. Remus Lupin came staggering out of his bedroom yawning hugely and blinking owlishly in the dim light. Remus tripped, caught himself, and hauled himself upright.

"You managed to find our couch again?" Remus asked in surprise.

"I had to move a couple of things, but yes, I managed to find it." James waved a hand.

"Did you vanish the stuff?" Remus wanted to know.

"Nah, I just moved it into Sirius' room."

"What?" Sirius yelled.

"Hey, it was the cleanest." James said defensively.

"Don't you think it was that way for a _reason_?"

"I don't get why you're such a neat freak." James grumbled. "If I had to guess by personality, I'd say Remus was the obsessive cleaner."

Remus grinned.

"Sirius is just our little oddball." He patted Sirius on the head. "Urgh! Your hair is all greasy!"

"What!" James exclaimed. "Sirius? Our Sirius? Sirius _Black? Padfoot_? The one that washes his hair everyday? The one that has more hair products that a girl?"

"I do not!" Sirius said indignantly.

James gave him a look.

"Sarah Eloise Richardson." James said slowly. "Biggest girlie-girl in the whole school. Got up at three every morning for her appearance. She had only, what, a hundred hair products? You have, what, 2 million?"

"Six hundred seventy-two and one-third." Remus smirked.

"Well, _excuse_ me." James sniffed.

"All sorted by preference, then quantity, then color." Remus continued.

James snorted.

"Wizarding and muggle, and placed on every available surface in his bathroom."

"How do you know all of this?" Sirius and James gave him twin looks of worry and suspicion.

Remus shrugged.

"One day I was bored..."

"Moving on," Sirius said. "Why couldn't you use the magical energy that you used to move the stuff to my room to vanish the stuff?"

"Oh!" James said in a high pitched falsetto. "I'm so sorry! To think that insignificant little me," James put a hand on his chest. "Could do such a thing! Shame on me!"

"Can't you have some pity?" Sirius asked. "I was woken up at eight in the morning by a horde of rabid girls, was blindfolded, groped, tied up, and tortured."

"Ouch." Remus said.

"Painful and traumatic." James nodded.

Sirius glared at them and stormed off to his room.

Remus turned to James.

"By the way, how do you know all that about Richardson?"

James blushed.

"Not the point."

"You know..." Remus said mildly. "When he cleans his room and washes his hair, he'll start wondering how the hell did those girls find our flat." He went back into his room."

"How do you know us so well?" James grinned and stretched lazily out on his couch.

* * *

**Hello! I'm wondering whether or not to make this an AU fic. Please vote on my poll in my profile!**

**nsisdazl**


	2. Pastry, ice cream, and common courtesy

****

The lovely Queen of Plastic Spoons, my dear friend, and as close of rank as one can get to a goddess, asked me to clarify what I meant by turning this story AU. My dear readers, I apologize profusely for any confusion caused by me. I will now proceed to translate the complex workings of my mind--as much as you puny mortals can comprehend.

**Number 1 scenario for AU: small, only difference is ages. Like, Lily and James'll be maybe 25 when they die?**

**Number 2 scenario: Lily and James do not die, at least for the prescribed time. A character will be introduced that will skew up J.K.'s carefully planned and plotted storyline.**

**Pros and Cons of each:**

**Scenario 1: **

**Pros: Lily's death will have a bigger impact on the fight against sexism. **

**Cons: Possible short story.**

**Scenario 2:**

**Pros: Longer story, but more of a chance I will lose interest and stop writing.**

**Cons: Er...that's up there isn't it?**

* * *

Recap from last chapter:

_"You know..." Remus said mildly. "When he cleans his room and washes his hair, he'll start wondering how the hell did those girls find our flat." He went back into his room."_

_"How do you know us so well?" James grinned and stretched lazily out on his couch._

* * *

Lily apparated into her flat, clutching the flat green book. She kicked off her shoes, letting them sink into the plush carpet with a sigh. The telephone rang, startling her.

"Hello?" Lily said.

"Lily? You're in?" Nellie asked in surprise.

"What did you expect?"

"Well, I didn't see you passing by..."

"You were watching for me?"

"Ever since you've gone out I've been waiting to talk. I decided to leave a message, so we could meet tomorrow."

"Well, I guess you missed me going in." Lily said uncomfortably. It was hard, living in a muggle apartment complex. It was harder, having muggle friends living in the same complex.

"I suppose..." Nellie said doubtfully.

"Look, I have to go." Lily said quickly. "I have some really important work to do."

"Alright, bye."

"Call me tomorrow."

Lily hung up and sighed.

She shrugged it off and headed toward her office. She needed to work on that stupid green book.

* * *

Sirius was washing his hair in a attempt to relax and recuperate. Scented plumes of magical shampoo and conditioner rose and uncurled lazily in the air. There were purple, blue, green, and pink clouds floating on the ceiling. A magically expanded bathtub was full to the brim with steamy hot water. Sirius lounged tiredly in the tub, sighing.

"Knock, knock."

Sirius jerked and sloshed water all over the floor. Remus Lupin was at the door, grinning.

"What do you want?" Sirius said irritably, causing more bubbles to form in the water with a wave of his wand.

"Just stopping by to tell you that I cleaned your room for you."

"You what?!" Sirius jerked upright, flooding the floor.

"No pranks. Marauder's honor." Remus raised his hands.

"Fine." Sirius ducked under water and scrubbed his hair. He surfaced and glared at Remus. "What are you still doing here? Is there something you need to tell me?"

"No, I was just wondering why the hell it smelled like blackberry pie with vanilla ice cream."

* * *

James was idly flipping through the channels of the radio, muttering to himself as he heard the awful wailing of people trying to sing.

_"Is it too much to ask of uuuuuuuu?_

_To ask you to be my truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?_

_Ya mah dahling, mah one, mah onleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"_

"God, what is that awful screeching?" Sirius snapped, stumbling from his room, pulling on a grey shirt.

"The radio." James flicked his wand and the station changed.

_"BA-da-BA-buh Ba-dum-dum-DA Boo-choo-bum-bumchee-"_

"What the hell?" Remus appeared out of his room, an agonized expression on his face. "Do people actually categorize that under music?!"

"Sorry."

_"He left me,_

_And now I see,_

_How wrong I was about you,_

_Now what's gonna happen, _

_Who's gonna care?_

_I'm left alone, _

_With extra burdens to bear."_

"Hey!" James said protestingly, when Sirius flicked his wand at the radio, turning it off. "That was actually halfway decent."

"The idea's so old. Cauterwauling females howling about lost 'loves' then the next day grabbing the nearest hottest male. Or males."

"I agree with Sirius." Remus flicked his wand, and the radio turned back on, this time to the news.

_"Updates from the war in England, twenty-four wizards were found killed in their homes, the Death Mark hovering over their houses. Ten of them were Aurors. There are also unconfirmed reports of fifty muggles being slaughtered as a recreational sport._

_Some sort of 'pipe bomb' has been set off in the town of Potterpuppetpals, and Barry, Donald, Nerdmione, Fumblefore, and Snap have been reported among the injured._

_When we come back, we speak with Wanda Sherry who has been accredited with the discovery of pink chickens."_

James turned off the news.

"Like that was any better." He snorted. "Briefly mention seventy-four people being killed then move on to pink chickens."

"I'm going out." Sirius called. "If I'm not back by eight, you can assume I was heroically killed, injured, captured, etc."

"Where are you going?" Remus asked.

"Evans's."

"Ooh, did you hear that James? Sirius is going after Lily now." Remus called back to James.

James appeared next to Sirius so fast, Remus would have thought he apparated except there was no popping noise. There was a menacing light in James's eyes.

_"What did you say?_" James said in the softest, most dangerous voice Remus had ever heard.

Sirius and Remus exchanged a wide-eyed glance.

"Whoa, whoa." Sirius said in a soothing voice. "Quidditch, green eyes, red hair, pretty girls."

"I was_ joking, _James." Remus said nervously. "Besides, you already broke up with Lily."

"And I'm interested in Celine Dwortsy." Sirius added, seeing that James was not placated.

James continued to breathe heavily as the murderous gleam in his eyes started to cool down.

"Yeah..."

"I don't think Lily would appreciate you sticking your nose into her love life." Remus said.

James ignored Remus.

"Why are you going to Lily's?" He demanded of Sirius.

"How do you think those girls found our apartment?" Sirius wanted to know.

The vicious light returned in James's eyes.

"You better not hurt her." He warned.

"Lily can defend herself." Sirius said dryly. "If I have Your Majesty's permission to go?"

James glared at Sirius half-heartedly.

"Begone, pest."

Sirius bowed mockingly and took his leave. The second the pop of Disapparation was heard in the room, James flipped a Galleon toward Remus.

"We're so predictable." James mourned.

* * *

In her office, Lily sat down and opened the book. She glared at it for a few minutes, then poked it.

"You," Lily said to the book. "Are now the symbol of sexism in the Order for me."

The book lay mute, like books usually do.

"I have the strongest temptation to set you on fire."

Lily's breath ruffled a few pages. She imagined it was mocking her.

"Don't talk back to me! I hold your future in my hands!"

The book was still.

Lily groaned. Look how she had fallen! Top of her class with Outstandings in every subject, yet now she was reduced to screaming at a book. That clearly wasn't magical. She stabbed viciously at a page with a quill. There was ink on the quill and it marked the page in a very obvious streak of green ink.

"Oh, shit." Lily froze.

Maybe the Order was right, not to trust her with assignments. If she couldn't control her temper now, how would she fare on the battlefield?

The ink sank through the pages.

"What the-"

Lily frantically flipped through the pages, looking for the mark.

It was not to be found.

Lily trembled from a mixture of shock, delight, and nervousness. She rose the quill to once more mark the page, when a loud bang sounded on the door.

* * *

Sirius apparated right on the doorstep of Lily's flat and rang the doorbell. After a few minutes with no one answering, Sirius rolled his eyes, looked around, then, with one flash of blue light, entered the premises.

Take cover.

* * *

_Who ever that is is going to _pay. Lily thought menacingly, green eyes narrowed. _One for stalling a Very Important Breakthrough, and two for entering my house without permission. Oh, and since there are only two people that are idiotic enough to enter my house without permission, and the fact that I do not like either of the two, there's another great reason to throw open that door and hex the person to oblivion._

* * *

Sirius snarled when he realized the office door would not open with a simple _Alohamora_. He relieved his feelings by aiming a kick at the door.

He was unprepared for the door flying off its hinges and lunging toward him.

"Damn it!" Sirius yelped as he frantically tried to dodge the attacking door. "_Finite Incantetum!_"

The door let out a feral growl and grew red eyes and fangs. Sirius gulped, flattening himself against the floor as the door flew past where he was.

Rolling over onto his back, Sirius shouted, "_Stupefy!_"

The door shattered into bits. Sirius let out a sigh of relief that quickly turned into a groan of terror. Hundreds of evil looking, fang bearing, red glowing, mini doors were converging on him. He should have known Lily wouldn't of made it that easy. Sirius shouldn't of forgotten the reason most intelligent people tended not to piss Lily off. And Sirius, contrary to popular belief, was indeed intelligent.

_Think, Sirius. Lily's gotten to know you, now do something she doesn't expect. Treat this like any battle situation. What's my instinctive next move? _Reducto._ Probably the doors'll gain flying powers or something, hmm...Stop trying to destroy._

"_Confundo!_"

The doors wandered around looking confused. Sirius was strongly tempted to turn them on Lily, but she probably gaurded against that. Besides, even if she hadn't, the thought of the vengeance she and James would exact made him shudder. A sound made him look up. Lily was approaching.

Sirius jumped up, defensive.

"_You_ have no right to be pissed off at me! _You _were the one to set fangirls on me!"

"Well, _I_was the one on the edge of a VIB when a certain berk interrupted. And _everyone_knows that it's rude to enter someone else's house without their permission."

"If you hadn't made it necessary, and answered the bloody door when I rang the doorbell-"

"If you had said you were coming over, or sent in a Patronus instead of barging in-!"

"Wait, a VIB?" Sirius interrupted, frowning.

"Yes!" Lily screeched, shaking a familiar green book in his face.

"Really?" Sirius bounded through the office doorway, his irritation forgotten. "Show me." He demanded.

"I have standards that call for common courtesy, Black. I don't follow commands that are rude." Lily followed him, fixing the door and closing it behind her.

"Oh, so if _Avada Kedavra_ was streaking toward your back and someone called out, 'Duck!' you'd ignore him because he didn't say, 'Duck, please?'"

"Battle situations don't call for common courtesy. A meeting between acquaintances, however-"

"So now I'm demoted to acquaintance?"

"It's better to think of it as being promoted from enemy."

"How about fellow Order member?" Sirius suggested.

"Fine, whatever!" Lily threw up her hands in disgust. She sat down at her desk and pulled out some paperwork.

"Hey, the VIB?"

Lily very pointedly ignored him.

Sirius let out an exasperated sigh.

"Lily-billy, honey, baby, sweetheart, pumpkin, darling, wilt thou _please_ bestow upon this lowly slave the great honor of listening to you explain the extremely complicated workings of the VIB?"

Lily's fingers twitched toward her wand, but she seemed to realize it was the best it was going to get. She put away her paperwork and pulled out the book.

"Watch." She commanded.

Sirius resisted the urge to say, "Watch, _please_."

Lily let a drop of ink fall down onto the page.

"Great, now you've ruined the book." Sirius said dryly. He gasped in surprise when the ink sucked through. Lily sat back, pleased, as Sirius frantically flipped through the pages.

"So now what?" Sirius asked when he had ascertained that the ink had, in fact, disappeared.

"I was getting there when you kicked my door." Lily retorted. She dipped her quill back into the ink and wrote, "Hello?"

"You're talking to the book, so should I take you to St. Mungo's?" Sirius asked.

Lily smacked him.

"Shut your mouth and look!"

Sirius swallowed as the ink shimmered back onto the page.

"_Hello?_"


	3. Life goes on

**I can't help but feel a little miffed that so many reviewers assumed that I would be so unoriginal as to blatantly copy the storyline off of The Chamber of Secrets. Hmph. Have a little more faith in me, please.**

* * *

Lily sat outside of Professor Flitwick's office, scowling at the floor. It was absolutely infuriating to be delegated the task of caring for a seemingly unremarkable book that was thought to have nothing of interest, and then have it snatched away once _she_ had discovered the contrary.

Sirius Black had gaped like the idiot he was at the "_Hello?"_ he saw gleaming back at him in fresh black ink. Then he recovered his senses(though not his wits) and shot a _Stupefy_ at the book(of course it bounced off) and apparated out of her home without bothering to clean up the mess he had made by the rebounding stunner. Then he had led her around on a merry chase by managing to leave a place just a few seconds before she came in. Bloody git.

And now, when she had finally found him, he was deep in conference with Flitwick and both men had waved absently at her to "go back out and wait." It was enough to make a more patient and kindly disposed woman than Lily ready to storm around destroying anything and everything.

The door swung open and Lily jumped to her feet.

"Professor?" She just barely managed to make it sound respectful.

"Ah, Lily!" Flitwick was clearly surprised to see her outside his office instead of tatting lace or sipping tea.

"The book?" Lily gritted her teeth against her temper.

"Oh, ah," His hand drifted toward his pocket. Lily watched this with narrowed eyes. It helped that she was taller than he was. "I'll need to hold it for further research, though I think that the reason it replied was a mere reflecting charm."

"I see." Lily said, her voice strained. She glanced at the casually relaxed Black who was leaning against the corridor, clearly bored. "However, there is a problem, professor. You see, I wasn't done inspecting the book myself. Black here, totally without my permission, took the book to you. I assure you I am more than capable of taking care of a..._book._"

"Er..." Professor Flitwick was clearly scrambling to regain his equilibrium. Then his face cleared. "You are busy aren't you Lily, dear? You don't need another load." His tone was warm and paternal, he obviously thought that was a strong arguement.

"Busy doing what?" Lily snapped before she could regain herself. "Order missions? This is the first I've gotten since I joined two years ago. A job? Don't have one, the Order itself told me to wait for an assignment. I'm still waiting. My family, friends, or personal affairs? Don't have a boyfriend, Potter chases them away, my friends are all in the Order, and my parents are dead, and my only sister refuses to acknowledge my existence in this world. As you can see, I'm quite free. We should worry about _you_, professor, after all, you have to teach, grade, plan, and do that research into the Stones of Asphymir."

She reached out before she could stop herself and plucked the book out from his pocket. Black looked half awake now, interested in what was going on. She whirled on him next.

"And_ you,_ if you ever again grab something of mine, or something I am responsible for, and disappear without my permission and where you are going, I assure you that you would be more willing to face single-handedly Voldemort, Grindelward, Dumbledore, Morgan le Fay, and Bellatrix combined." Lily snarled at Black.

He looked fully awake now, and totally defensive.

"I didn't think--"

"No, I highly doubt that you ever do. And that will most definitely get you in trouble one day. That and your arrogant assumption that you and your friends are impervious from harm."

Lily stalked off in the direction of the Great Hall, forgetting that it was suppertime. She barged into the Hall, and stopped in shock as the faces of many students turned to face her.

_Damn it. It just wasn't her day, was it?_

* * *

Alice Longbottom sat down in the crowded Ministry Cafeteria. A cup of tea, most likely stone cold, was on a grimy saucer. An equally unappetizing sandwich flopped lifelessly, sharing the cheap plastic tray space. Alice honestly could not see why the Ministry bothered to try(key word being _try_) to provide its employees edible food. Only a starving, desperate person(and they had to be extra starving and extra desperate) would even think about biting into the, the things the Ministry called food. And the hypothetical starving person would not get within a kilometer of the "food" because the prices were outrageously expensive. If the person had any money(and any sense) they would head for the nearest cafe or pub.

With a flick of her wand, Alice reheated the tea. Screwing up her face, she gingerly took a bite out of the object masquerading as a sandwich.

"Bleurgh!"

Alice spat the offending mouthful out and took a hasty gulp of tea. She swore loudly at the top of her lungs as she realized the tea was now blazing hot. Alice slammed her teacup onto her tray and raked her chin-length brown hair back from where it hung stubbornly in her face. Today was just not her day.

"Today's just not your day, is it?"

Alice looked up to see a grinning Marlene McKinnon.

"Do me a favor and wipe that smirk off your face." Alice said tiredly.

"Oh, but I'm entitled to have this smirk on my face. It's a very special day from me." Marlene said with a Cheshire cat grin.

"Let me guess..." Alice said with a roll of her eyes. "He finally proposed."

"YES-Wait, what? I don't even have a boyfriend! Most of 'em don't have the stomachs for in-depth descriptions of my work."

"Well, I don't know..." Alice said, slumping onto the dirty table.

"Argh!" Marlene poked Alice hard. "I'm pregnant!"

"Congratula-huh?" Alice jolted upright.

"Just checking to see if you're even paying attention."

"Just tell me, McKinnon. Your pathetic attempts at trying to build anticipation are boring me."

"Whoa, Snape deja vu. That reminds me of the time-"

"MARLENE! Just get to the point already, okay?!"

"Fine! I am Head Healer!"

Alice blinked at Marlene. Marlene sighed, disappointed.

"For the love of God, act happy for me, will you? _I_ was enthusiastic when you were made the Head of Magical Law Enforcement."

"I was just trying to ascertain if you were telling the truth. It's sort of hard to tell. And it hasn't sunk in yet."

"When do you think it will?" Marlene asked.

"I dunno...Maybe when I get a decent meal and a full night's rest..."

"That could be months! Years, even!" Marlene protested.

"Hullo, do I detect a lady in distress?"

"Frank!" Alice said joyfully. She leapt up and grabbed Frank Longbottom's neck.

"When's the wedding?" Marlene asked grumpily. The couple didn't hear, as they were busy. "Hullo?! Your trainees are going to come through the doors in a few minutes, and your reputations as evil, vicious, ruthless, heartless, tough taskmasters will be ruined if they see you two snogging away like hormone-raging teenagers."

Alice broke away from Frank and brushed her hair out of her eyes. "Whatever." She said breathlessly, but Marlene could see a faint pink blush staining Alice's cheeks.

"Oh, God. _This_ is why I'm glad I'm single. The goo-goo eyes make me gag." Marlene said acerbically.

"Just you wait." Frank said knowingly. "The right man will come along and sweep you off your feet."

"Hah!" Alice said before Marlene could reply. "If he does, Marlene will use her knowledge of pressure points to make him regret he ever touched her without her permission. You know, I think Healers are tougher than Aurors and Death Eaters combined."

"Well of course we are." Marlene said haughtily. "You battling people get all the fame and glory, but _we_ do the real work."

* * *

**I apologize for the shortness, but I wanted to get this up and I won't have access to a computer for a week.**

**nsisdazl**


End file.
